Come Christmas with everybody in elevated spirits (both in spiritual and blood alcohol content) counselors are wee bit hard pressed to find customers and I was hard pressed to find a topic to keep my web friends in highly elevated Mode / Mood and with a Beautiful Mind.
If for some reason people who read this and exchange this with others increase by exponential terms, quite a number of counselors might lose their jobs or find their income drop drastically during the Christmas season and I have a way out for them, too.
Become an instant Buddhist (like instant noodles) and start preaching and practicing meditation (it is a lucrative industry in this part of the world where Dhayana Stage Certificates are offered to Primary School Children to pass their competitive examinations disregarding their childhood fantasies, dreams and spontaneous fun and games).
Coming to the first part of the discussion that psychiatrists do not tell you in advance,
1. They are more depressed than average person who comes for counseling.
2. They commit suicide more often that an averagely stressed doctor in practice.
3. Their rate of consumption of alcohol is higher than an average doctor (that the doctor’s consumption is higher in proportion to an average simple man’s consumption).
It is 10 times or more depending on the income and the status of the doctor.
4. That many of them cannot start a session without a good tot to boost their ego above that of the one who is counseled (patient gives a wrong connotation to the victim- they are not patients but bit stupid in the first place not been able to manage their own simple affairs).
5. Many of them take up this post since they get a free license to indulge in mood elevating drugs themselves apart from making others addicted to them.
You must have got the hang of it by now, do you want me to continue and bore you or continue with the common sense approach.
6. Many of the theories (they are still theories and waiting to be fixed or implanted to an unsuspecting victim of theirs) are never proven in practice but are found only in old textbooks.
7. Their vocabulary is far in excess of physics, mathematics and philosophy all put together and none of them have a proper definition or ( true or false) truth and validity concept of philosophy.
8. A psychiatrists never discusses his or her own problems (with nobody in fact) with another psychiatrist lest both of them end up diagnosing opposing conditions and they cannot agree who is a counselor and who is being counseled.
They live with this handicap throughout their life unless of course they commit suicide or become clever and change their profession to some other mundane one.
9. They never want any patient to recover fully and also pray that god should not come back to heal them in one go, lock stock and barrel!
10. They never believe in incarnation or reincarnation since they are so confused whether they themselves are in this birth or past birth or next birth or what ever the birth it could or may be.
I can add a few more but if I do so by strange coincidence if any one of them reads this he or she might think I am gone bonkers and incarcerate me for life.
Now how to leave a counselor.
This is very easy, elementary and you must come out of the very same door you went in but never the door he opens for you.
That is when disaster sets in for both. You are hooked and he is more hooked to you.
Most of them are very simple ploys even a kindergarten kid should be able to play and practice them with their parents!
1. When you go to him remain deaf and dumb ( or pretend you to be blind).
Without you opening your mouth he cannot enter into your mind (not even with Magnetic resonance) and he is at a loss or make a invalid diagnosis.
2. Always think of what he feels in the session than what you feel (whether he is broke or whether he is under the influence a drug or alcohol) and outsmart him in every nick and corner.
In other words you become the counselor and he becomes the reciprocate.
With these two ammunitions majority can come out unharmed.
Please do not break the poor souls composure mentally.
3. Ask him some money to settle an outstanding loan and promise him that you will settle it in good time.
4. Ask him for drink (at least a beer) before you start the counseling.
5. Ask him to open the windows for a healthy draft.
6. If the room is well lit asked him him for a dark room ( most are scarred of darkness).
7. If the room is large ask for a smaller one and if the room is small ask him for larger one.
They cannot do this because they have a fixed way of doing things and composure.
8. If he asks you to write something say you prefer electronic mail to save the trees and the planet.
9. If he ask you to fill an electronic form say either you do not trust computers or vehemently protest by stating that it violates Microsoft’s Piracy Act and you are not willing to pay a fine. (Mind you this piece or script or code is copyrighted and use the information at your own discretion)
10. If he still insists on counseling, you have to have an exit strategy preplanned.
This is very a simple ploy ab average Sri-Lankan employs.
When you are in a busy meeting and you are getting cornered or fixed, then you get somebody to give you a call stating that your only great great great grandma died of a car accident (she was driving the car- even a healthy male cannot drive in this country).
So take your cell phone with you and just send a S.M.S to the guy or girl who gives the call in time.
Please do not use the story I mentioned above since all the psychiatrists I knew hated their grandmas (unlike us) and they do not still know how to slip out their hands even as an adult leave alone as a brat.
Moment you say grandma they soil their pants.
All these tricks have worked for me and I do not need to hinder your creativity and reciprocation (give as much as you take principle).
If any one of you need more than 12 strategies, you are in serious trouble and you perhaps may need some help or have to go to a psychiatrist but before that you better contact me.
If you are a Linux Addict or visit this blog at least at once a year (Christmas) it is free.
Otherwise the chargers for help (no consultation), I have increased by 100 folds since I cannot survive with 5% salary increase and I cannot go home without few Bombay Onions in my hand.
Otherwise my wife will cut me into onion rings (pieces)!
Merry Christmas and Happy New year 2011, everybody.